The Affair

An affair can be very difficult for a family to handle, but truly an affair can bring much healing and rewards as well. However, the idea of betrayal must be resolved first and foremost. We will visit both sides of the equation and hopefully someone reading this will find peace and comfort.

First, let's take the person having the affair. And we need to make sure we are very clear here that an affair is any form of admiration that is beyond a normal boundary. This can include emotional, mental, spiritual as well as physical. A person that has an affair with food is experiencing some form of imbalance within one or more of these realms. A person can have an affair with TV....women or men that sit and watch soap operas all day long are thinking this kind of affair is okay because everyone else is doing it to. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean it's right.

Okay, now that we have clarity on the types of affairs let's look at what would make a person do such a thing. The first questions is always, "What are they running away from?" It's easy to see how people get addicted to soap operas because it paints a picture so totally different then the current reality or world outside that TV box. Food is the same way....as long as there is comfort in food we can run towards that and forget about our issues. The same is true for an individual having an affair, infatuation, or another other kind of illusion with another person, they are running from themselves.

NO affair will ever bring us to the point of healing the inner us.

Many start affairs because they see a quality in another person that they like and it makes them excited, it brings life to their being or it makes them forget their pain (at least for now). But watch out for the shadow because it will always have you chasing after another person to make you believe that feeling is coming from outside of you rather than inside.

When I was just 17 years old I thought I was so deeply in love because all my creative juices were flowing. I wrote music, I painted like no ones business, and I could write stories for hours, but it wasn't because I was in love with another but rather felt my higher self for the very first time ever. If I could have held on to that moment in time there is no telling where I'd be right now, but what happened instead is I put all that creativity and self into another person. I felt that this "person" made me complete.

What kind of person needs to experience that? Well from my experience one that lived a life of not knowing who she was. Always being told what to do made me feel lost and confused. But then I was older and "I should know better", but how was I to know or do that when I had not been able to experience anything other than what was requested of me?

I didn't know my own power!

When we are looking to have an affair we are looking to replace something that we've lost or hidden from ourselves, whether with food, TV, or relationships, it's all the same...POWER! The emotional affairs are probably the most damaging because they become the most fearful the quickest. They are the affairs that leave you talking for hours only to lead to more talking later. It's empty and you don't even know it until it's over.

Okay, so now let's look at how this damages the people around us. Many would say that it doesn't as long as you don't let them know. I say this is false. But we need to look at the deeper picture and turn it around. Why would a person have an affair against us? What is it that we are projecting?

We are projecting many things such as not being good enough, don't have the time to get involve or devoted to this relationship. But mainly we are not caring about ourselves. We don't accept our power so much that we are giving it away. We allow someone else to do something that we are not happy with but allow it to continue because we are unwilling or unable to accept our power. So what kind of person does it take to stay in a relationship like this?

A person that is scared, hurt, confused, conflicted and even addicted themselves. Yes, addicted! Why do I say that? Because as long as you are addicted to the illusion the illusion is being fueled by YOU! To stop the affair means that we ourselves must stop having the affair. We need to look deep within our lives and see what kind of affair we are having. If we are having an affair with our ego then the shadow will grow and we will become lost, lonely and desperate. However, there is always light waiting to shine forth.

When we take responsibility for what is being shown to us through either having an affair or being the opposite then we can reclaim our power and move into the light. If you are the one the affair is happening against then you seriously need to ask yourself what are you not paying attention to, where are you giving up on yourself, where are you allowing the ego to guide you.

For those that have had spouses have affairs on them and think they saved their marriage can live this hateful, bitter life from now on not living at all. They simply have put themselves into the darkness to live there forever, only to become more bitter and more demanding. Still seeing life as out to get them rather than how they created it. But isn't that so much easier for most of us, to blame others?

An emotional affair can be much trickier because there is a willingness to surrender power, the other person receiving the power and then the spouse that is blind to it all losing power. What happens in this kind of affair is there are now 2 people surrendering power to a fool that doesn't know what the hell to do with it once s/he has it all. Before you know it both spouses are shaking their heads saying what the heck.

But again what kind of person does it take to be in this kind of relationship. Doesn't matter who it is in this relationship because it's basically the same all the way around, FEAR! Fear of commitment, fear of what if, fear of letting go, fear of facing the issue and solving it right where it is. Let's sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened never solves the power shortage. The person having this kind of affair and denying it will lose the most power of all. Denying feelings is a sure way to keep yourself within the grasp of the shadow/ego.

So how do we allow an affair to heal us and bring us into the light? Look at what type of affair you are having, ask yourself how does it make you feel while in the moment, such as eating a dozen donuts, then ask yourself how do I feel afterwards and then you have to be honest with yourself to see where you are afraid and have given away your power.

Where are you giving your power away? This is an easy thing to do even when the idea of an affair enters you brain. Just stop, look and listen.

No, hubby and I are great. But years of affairs with other things and witnessing others struggling with their own addictions has allowed me to open up an write this. Remember affairs are more than just sexual, we can even have an affair with money. Anytime that we are doing something that we feel we are doing in secrecy and it's giving us a temporary boost in power we are in an affair and losing power to the shadow.

Please enjoy!
Dr. Velvete