When I was 20 years old I had two babies, on my own, and in nursing school so that I could make it a better life for me and the children. Shortly after going through a Nurses Aid program I decided to work while continuing Nursing School. My first nursing job was with a hospital that required me to be at work by 6am. 6am, are you kidding me? This was such a struggle for me. I was used to going to school at night, working at night, playing with my kids at night and sleeping at night.
As the alarm clock would go off I would hit it just to get another few minutes of sleep only to have myself rushing around now to get ready for work. After several weeks of not being at work on time they changed me to 2nd shift. Which was much better for me in some ways but not in others. I didn't have to be at work until 3pm, but I didn't get off till 10pm. So that meant that I would have to find someone to keep my children and then I would have to wake them up to take them home. I just hated doing this to my kids. I hated leaving them in the mornings and hated leaving them at night.
Years later I went into teaching and taught Special Ed in NC. Then I decided to do Early Childhood Development to allow me to be with my children more. This was great and I really enjoyed what I was doing. Some time later I was moved to another location in Charlotte, NC. After doing this job for several months something went off inside of me. I was up before the alarm clock, I was dressed and ready to go to work and couldn't wait to get there. Now, I had to be there before 6am because that's what time we started accepting children, so this meant I was up before 5:30 most mornings.
This all came to my mind this morning as I'm laying there in bed thinking what time is it. I asked my husband and he said it was only 5am, "Go back to sleep", he says. As I laid there I thought why am I up ready to start my day and what drives a person? What is it inside of them/me that they are able just to do whatever and never have one ounce of "I should be doing..."
Passion, pure passion. It is through this passion in our lives that drives, inspires and motivates us. Now of course I have no where to be early this morning. I am meeting a friend who is moving away for lunch today and I do have a 3pm interview, and then we are going on a small trip tonight. But that's not what causes this burning desire to wake up and start blogging. It was because I am passionate about life. I looking forward to what the day is going to offer and share with me today. The blocks that have removed in my life based on my beliefs about myself and others are chipped away enough to where I'm becoming all of me and not just parts of me.
When we are in the passion of life we can't wait to wake up. I haven't woken up with an alarm clock in 13 years. Even when I was in Austin for the teacher conference a friend came in and woke me up. And just in time too because as she walked out my door my alarm clock went off. LOL, too funny. My passion and life force in my alarm clock now. Even when I'm with my grandchildren there is no need for one. I just tell my spirit what time I need to awaken in the morning and I'm awake. And if I'm not I wait the sound of little feet to bring their bright faces to me with their smiles and surprise me. LOL it's too cute. The first time both of the girls came last year I was in bed and they tip toed into the room and stood by my bed watching me sleeping. When I woke up they kind of scared or startled me and I kind of yelled or yipped a little bit. They both laughed and laughed, they thought that was the funniest thing. So the next morning I'm awake and my husband says, "Now just lay here with me because you know how much the girls love coming in here to wake you up." LOL.....I had a surprise for them that morning. I pretended to be asleep only to grab them when they got really close to my face. LOL
I love life, because it's unfolding moment by moment. Stress and resistance to the day is because we are telling God, I don't want to be here. I don't want to be doing that. I don't like when I have to do that. Is there something else, anything else I could do about this?. Funny thing is, is when I surrendered to those ideas while in Charlotte my life took off. Now I think my X was thinking I was cheating on him because he followed me every where I went, but then again that was me doing that not him.
I was active in my church, the children were active in activities, I was active at their schools, I was a girl scout leader, I was a Sunday school teacher and I worked a full time job. I was in complete peace.
It wasn't until my life was so full of peace that it appeared as though God was taking that all away from me. But he wasn't, he was only realigning. This happens when we learn to live in the moment. There is no other time. So when things seem to be shaking up a bit that's the illusion shedding right before your very eyes. I used to see this as a curse, but have been able to be calm within the storm now and see it for what it is.
So when my world starts to rock and roll I just hold on tight because I'm excited about what beauty is getting ready to come from all of this. I realize at that moment the only things I can remember are the things that still influence me today. Just like a dream I have to ask myself sometimes, what happened before I got here. I'm sure you've had that happen to you too where you are thinking about walking along the side of the road and you ask yourself, how did I even get there?
Well, if we are nothing but our moments then are moments are based on what beliefs we have that hold that space and time together. At least for now, but think about how wonderful it will be to wake up and experience life new everyday.
Embrace today! Love it for what it totally is. As I'm typing this out this morning the biggest cat, Fluff has joined me by laying right in the middle of my arms. The only time it's difficult for me to type is when my mind begins to think that Fluff doesn't belong where he is right now. Otherwise, it works. I'm enjoying him being there and he's enjoying being there. So when we are all one we enjoy being here.
You see, it's not because you have to be anywhere, it's just that you feel you should be making a different choice about your life right now that causes pain and suffering. Think about it this way, you are getting ready to go out because you want to meet someone, but then suddenly what happens? You freeze up as soon as you go into your head playing out all the choices available to you. When there is no more choice about your life then you will be FREE.
Last night I got caught in that choice trap and I suffered. I was hungry, I was running late, I was tired, I was, I was, I was. I was everything but Love at that moment of thinking outside of myself. So I was reminded by some geese and ducks last night that stood in the middle of the road with just 20 minutes before airing our class live, to slow down. Just breathe and enjoy the process of life. Of course once I did that everything just flowed.
I had no choice in what time I woke up but if I had gone into my head and believed that I had some kind of choice over it then I suffer. If I said, "I don't want to get up, why the heck am I up so early?" I would suffer and become stressed immediately. But if I did like I did today I said, "Oh, it's 5am is it time to get up?" and then I fell back to sleep just enough to get a message within a dream and then I woke up. I didn't say I had to do anything or not do anything, I just got up. I sat straight up out of bed like I had been awake for hours and then brushed the teeth, then made tea, then turned on the computer. It's easy!
At 20 I thought I had a choice, the choice to stay home with my kids, the choice to be a stay at home mom, a choice to have someone else take care of me, a choice to not be so lazy, a choice just to do what I needed to do. You see it was only through all the thinking of what I needed or should be doing that brought me pain and suffering. But hey, I'm glad for the experience now. I'm 49 years old now and I'm still a child. I'm still a child of God. He's still providing me a play ground to learn and explore. He knows I'm safe so I know I'm safe. When we watch children play we just make sure they are safe, we don't control how they play, they just play.
Belief Statement: Even though Fluff is all over the desk right now I feel loved by him. I know it's only temporary as we gain a shared experience and lose nothing.
Spirit Statement: I am everything everywhere and feel love knowing myself. I know each moment is an experience within everything.
Awareness opens the possibility for Alignment and the Willingness to Release. Free yourself of illusions within YOUR reality. What are you creating that makes you feel disempowered?
