I AM!

Many people want to know what brought me here to Texas. It all started in Arkansas when I was hired by the largest mobile x-ray company at that time. I was transferred from Arkansas to Texas as their newest Marketing Director. Even though I knew I could do my job in AR I wanted a fresh start.

Of course wanting a fresh start comes with its own set of issues because you're just dragging your crap around with you now. So I had to learn this the hard way and had issues that needed to be dealt with, but at a financial cost because of traveling back and forth.

My VP at the time wanted me to move to Plano but because of the issues that I discovered with that area and the problems the teens were having we decided against this. Instead we found our first home in Texas to be in Heath near Buffalo Creek. We had a huge 5 bedroom, 3 full baths, 2 separate living areas and huge lot that was just perfect for our family. It became very obvious to me that the VP was no longer happy with my decisions and began to look down on me for the place that I had chosen to live.

It seemed that after that moment there was nothing I could do right because I had made the worse decision that a higher end employee could make, live beneath their means. This office was encouraged to live way beyond our means, always flaunting what they had and what new car they were buying that week. Me, I drove a suburban because it was our family car.

As the weeks and months drug on I knew within my soul that this was not where I wanted to be in my life. I was leaving my children at home for my new husband to raise, together we have four beautiful children, but they were all teens, all needing attention to help them to grow. But each week I would pack and leave only to come home on Friday's to start the whole game all over again. I was missing my family, I was missing my husband, I was missing ME.

As my marketing reps are working with me one day one of them said, "You know you'd make a great massage therapist." I had to laugh because he said I was very nurturing and had this flower child presence about you. HUM?

Well, I did it! I paid my money on open house night because I knew this was for me. I went to school on weekends and worked for the company during the week. And then the dreaded call came when my VP found out, how dare I go to school without asking him first. When I let him know this would not interfere with my job he said, "As long as you work for me I own you. You don't make any decisions without me." I was stunned. I hung up the phone not knowing what to do or say and cried. I could not believe in this day and time that someone still thought like that. But the truth was this was happening to people all over the US because now employers felt that the person working for them was their slave. The threat of losing your job was so real at the time that people would do anything that was asked of them just to hang on to the job.

I continued school only to be laid off. It was then that I did some soul searching of what is important in life. Is it the big homes that prevent us from being with our kids during the week because we're having to work so hard? Is it the opportunities outside of ourselves that make us who we are? Is it money that helps to make our life any easier? I realized that the more money I made the more demanding the employer, I realized that no amount of money could ever replace the relationship I would have with my children, and I realized that a JOB stands for Just Over Bossed. We are now allowing someone else to dictate our every move because now we feel we owe it to them because we can't do it for ourselves. And we are just talking about Job's here folks, we're not talking about careers, but even then you have to be careful of that fine line.

A few years after doing massage we decided to free ourselves of the huge home in Buffalo Creek and move to the country. Of course one needs to be careful about doing this as well, otherwise all they do is bring the city to the country. I did that too.

With businesses coming and going, opening and closing, I decided it was time for me to get real with myself. It was time for me to know me and to know that I am the powerful individual that I was born to be. I don't need a job to fulfill me, I get that everyday with the union of my spirit. I have more fun and laugh so much more now that I'm not worrying about what the world will think of me.

You see I moved to the country for space and the open air, I'm not the cool one because I don't live near a mall or live inside the country club. I moved to the country and you can smell cow dung on those really hot summer days, I'm not cool because I don't live near a restaurant. I moved to the country so that I could watch the sunrise and sunsets each night, I'm not cool because I don't wake up to rush off to work in a sky rise each morning. I moved to the country so that my mind, body and soul could heal, I'm not cool because I don't have health insurance and have to run to the doctor for every little ache and pain. I moved to the country so that I could put my feet up on a rock and enjoy the beautiful scenery, I'm not cool because I don't have an RV that I have to spend $200 of gas on, and then money for a campsite just to see the same thing. I moved to the country so that I could know God, I'm not cool because I want to know who that is.

Our whole lives are about learning to run, running after or running away from something. But what? And why? Maybe, just maybe it's true. "Know me and my gifts will be known to you", God. You see we're all so busy running that we haven't done what God has asked us to do, to be silent and know HIM. I want to know him.

I had a preacher tell me one day that she didn't want to be one with God. Interesting how we "think" we are separated from him. But here was a person in pain, taught the word of God and didn't want to be one with Him. We all have done exactly what this person has done. I asked why and she told me because she likes living her life the way she wanted to, she wasn't ready to do what God wanted.

Each and everyday I know that what I do God wants for me, I know that He is right there with me loving me totally and making sure that I am safe. I know each day that His love is so profound that all I have to say is I'm ready and God gives me His beautiful gifts. Sometimes they don't show up in the form that I might have thought about it, but it still shows up.

Some people hate me and tell me that I am just lucky. Some people resent me because they see that my life is full of joy even though I live out in the country in a manufactured home. It is scattering their minds that I am so peaceful, so joyful and so happy, while all along they still try to make their lives mean more by having more stuff. You know what folks, we all need stuff from time to time, but what happens is it totally shows up when you are ready for it or when you need it. I have had this happen on so many occasions that I just trust this now.

There's a great documentary called "I Am" and I suggest everyone to see it at least once. Some of my friends were taken back by it because they want the big home, they want to be the millionaire, and there is nothing wrong with any of those things....but where is your heart? If you are struggling with money and going after more money or thinking that you have to be the best at this or that just to be boss over another, or to have what you want then maybe, just maybe your struggle is coming from running.

You are not your home, you are not your money, you're not even your career, and you're surely not alone.

Love, Velvete